Anxiety-The Biggest Bitch I Know!

"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul." Unknown 

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Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.  According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety is the most common mental illness in the United States, with at least 40 million people living with it in the country, or 18% of the U.S. population. 

Although anxiety is treatable, there are still many people suffering from it that do not receive or seek help.  About two years ago I came to terms with the fact that I too am one of the 18%.  When I admitted to myself and to those I love most that I needed help in the form of therapy, the giant monster that had been living on my chest for the past two decades decided to finally jump off. 

My therapist, Dr. S, finally diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder this year and although one may think to not feel happy about a diagnosis such as this, I was relieved.  Her diagnosis did not make me feel worse about myself but instead, normal (as crazy as that may seem).  The realization that not only was I not alone, but also that it wasn't all in my head, gave me more comfort and confirmation than ever before.  And I was happy. 

But, the thing about anxiety is that it is always there.  It never quite goes away and at times it hides behind happiness, excitement, love, humor, etc., until it knows the moment to come out.  Having anxiety doesn't mean that I don't ever feel joy or love, or even that I am always sad or depressed.   It just means that I feel all emotions a little stronger than most and am more sensitive to my feelings. Just because I have anxiety also doesn't mean that I can't live a "normal" life.  For the most part, at least 99.9% of the time, I am just like everyone else walking through this earth. 

My only difference is that my anxiety makes situations and feelings more heightened then they need to be.  It lingers into my ear and then won't shut the fuck up, when I most want it to. 

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Nowadays however, I have learned quite well to silence the anxiety bitch that lives within.  Through meditation, therapy, reading, writing, exercising, love, and surrounding myself with the BEST (and I mean the BEST) people, I am able to cope with it more effortlessly.  I do want people to know that although I am able to keep my anxiety under control for the most part, there are times, like now, where it just builds up and where it decides to show its freakish self.  And all I can do is acknowledge it.  Doing so, instead of letting it eat and eat at me, helps me to not disregard it if you will, but rather not give it the life it is craving. 

My journey with anxiety has not been smooth.  It has literally been the most difficult part of my life, but in retrospect it has also been the most beautiful.  Because of anxiety I am able to see life not in clouds of grey, but in a myriad of colors and that makes me happy.  I am also one of the most dedicated and hardworking people I know.  Just getting and pushing myself out there to write more and more, is all due to turning my anxiety into something great.  I never wanted to succeed in writing because my anxiety told me that it was too scary.  Through time and help,  I have been able to overcome that and use anxiety as a positive.  Having anxiety also makes me want to succeed and push myself more, because of it. 

I still have my days and I still get down, but it is a down that is the lightest it has ever been.  Because I am able to see all the beauty still left around me, life is NEVER as hard as my anxiety tries to make it.  

And as always, being loved for all that I am is the best saving grace in the world.  I am so lucky.  So, so lucky! 

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May we all be filled with light, 

Kim