Eyes wide open
I turned 26 on Sunday. I woke up with this real peace in my heart and anxiety at the same time, going over and over in my head about the days festivities. Ah! Anxiety is a real pain in my ass sometimes, but it is also in the same light, a wondrous emotion that allows me to see the truth when I am blind.
My birthday party went beautifully. Friends and loved ones gathered around to wish me another year of happiness and growth and I was blessed. My guy, Mr. F, was god sent, helping with every detail and part of my celebration. I am one lucky chica!! And you know what? Five years ago, before I moved to Las Vegas, I didn't know anything about myself. I transformed myself by who I was around, always someone different, yet never truly seeing that until now. When an unanswered prayer was sent my way in 2007, I had no idea that my real life would be waiting for me in a city I had only seen in the movies.
And right now, here I am. Here I stand-in a life that was made specially for me, even when my fears have tried to take it all away. I'm not saying however, that simply getting older has drastically and suddenly changed me, but it has given me a new perspective on what I want out of my life. So many times we want too much, clinging to expectations more than holding on to reality. Expectations, especially when they are unrealistic, are too detrimental to ones life and those of others around them. What I thought I wanted last year or five years ago, has faded into a fantasy where I know deep down, happiness does not await. Instead, what I want is always what I've had, staring at me face to face, waiting for the day that I too, would see the truth.
I don't know what will become of my life. There is no way I can predict or know, realistically, what will happen months or years from now. All I do know however, is that this life I have right now, this love that I've magically held onto for years and this ethereal hope I have for my life-all these things are me. All these things are right now and I couldn't ask and I don't want to ask, for more than that! I'm not always happy. I'm not always content or uplifting. That's human nature I believe, a part of our growth we continue to hopefully, learn from. Before, I couldn't handle or accept that I didn't have all the answers or that I wasn't where I wanted or thought I wanted to be in my life, i.e...career, body image, goals, dreams. I couldn't accept that I frankly, just didn't know anything.
That constant ego approach and need for knowing, is both boring and incredibly selfish, not to mention, never, ever satisfying. So today I am three days into being 26 and I'm just lucky to be alive. I have hopes, but I decided when I woke up Sunday morning, that I can now let go. I can let go of everything in the past. I can let go of all the pain from then, all the grudges, fears, doubts, questions and worries. I don't need them anymore to play with. Frankly, I never have needed them. All I need is me and with that, happiness surrounds me.
It is okay, to not have all the answers. Today, the fear is slipping away. The anxiety is fading. And though I know it will take dedication to overcome, I am determined to live my life with purpose.
My birthday party went beautifully. Friends and loved ones gathered around to wish me another year of happiness and growth and I was blessed. My guy, Mr. F, was god sent, helping with every detail and part of my celebration. I am one lucky chica!! And you know what? Five years ago, before I moved to Las Vegas, I didn't know anything about myself. I transformed myself by who I was around, always someone different, yet never truly seeing that until now. When an unanswered prayer was sent my way in 2007, I had no idea that my real life would be waiting for me in a city I had only seen in the movies.
And right now, here I am. Here I stand-in a life that was made specially for me, even when my fears have tried to take it all away. I'm not saying however, that simply getting older has drastically and suddenly changed me, but it has given me a new perspective on what I want out of my life. So many times we want too much, clinging to expectations more than holding on to reality. Expectations, especially when they are unrealistic, are too detrimental to ones life and those of others around them. What I thought I wanted last year or five years ago, has faded into a fantasy where I know deep down, happiness does not await. Instead, what I want is always what I've had, staring at me face to face, waiting for the day that I too, would see the truth.
I don't know what will become of my life. There is no way I can predict or know, realistically, what will happen months or years from now. All I do know however, is that this life I have right now, this love that I've magically held onto for years and this ethereal hope I have for my life-all these things are me. All these things are right now and I couldn't ask and I don't want to ask, for more than that! I'm not always happy. I'm not always content or uplifting. That's human nature I believe, a part of our growth we continue to hopefully, learn from. Before, I couldn't handle or accept that I didn't have all the answers or that I wasn't where I wanted or thought I wanted to be in my life, i.e...career, body image, goals, dreams. I couldn't accept that I frankly, just didn't know anything.
That constant ego approach and need for knowing, is both boring and incredibly selfish, not to mention, never, ever satisfying. So today I am three days into being 26 and I'm just lucky to be alive. I have hopes, but I decided when I woke up Sunday morning, that I can now let go. I can let go of everything in the past. I can let go of all the pain from then, all the grudges, fears, doubts, questions and worries. I don't need them anymore to play with. Frankly, I never have needed them. All I need is me and with that, happiness surrounds me.
It is okay, to not have all the answers. Today, the fear is slipping away. The anxiety is fading. And though I know it will take dedication to overcome, I am determined to live my life with purpose.
I love to read your thoughts and beliefs. :-)
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