The Light!
October is almost over. It's been rough. For the most part however, October was filled with happiness and love, as I marked another milestone in my book of life.
I've seen so much in my 27 years. I've dealt with anxiety and fear since I was nine years old, and finally, 18 years later, I can feel those parts of me begin to slip away.
Slowly but surely, my life has taken on a different chapter, a different road to travel, and I couldn't be happier.
When I was a child, I can recall lying awake in bed waiting for my mom to come home from one of her rarely-ever-taken, girls night outs. I'd remember falling asleep, feeling peaceful, and then being awoken by my stepfather screaming for me to wake up. As my eyes would open wide, fear stricken to the core, all the words I ever heard coming out of his mouth were, "Your mother's not home yet, something is wrong. Something happened to her. Get up."
At nine, what else was I to think other than "God, my mother is dead. Someone hurt her. She got in a car accident." Thoughts and thoughts would consume my every being and I would panic, begin to cry, and then get really sick.
And then, as if she knew, she would walk right in the doors and be home, safe and sound, in all pieces. I would run to her and hug her, never wanting to let go of the warmth and safety I felt now that she was home. I'd cry and tell her that I thought something bad had happened to her and then she would give me a kiss, hug me tight, and tell me never to worry.
I wish I could have taken that in during that moment. I wish I could have held on to that and used it as I grew. But I never did and instead I used moments like that, moments that my mother never created but that were created by someone else, to instill fear and worry inside my soul for years and years to come.
I hated it. I hated feeling like I couldn't get too close to someone because what if something bad happened? What if they left me? What if it didn't work out? What if? What if? What if?
Nowadays, I still worry (ha! ha!). However, there is something over the course of the past six years that has changed me in ways I never even thought to imagine. Here is the truth about me now:
I will always be a worry-wort, sure, but I won't let worry rob me of the NOW and of the GOOD.
Let the good in ALWAYS.
I care too much, way too much sometimes, about the people I love and the littlest of things, but, it is BECAUSE I care too much, that I have the heart I have, and I'm very much content with my heart.
I love deeply, wholeheartedly, passionately, faithfully, and honestly, but, I also know that to love others I must ALWAYS love MYSELF first. The love I give to others, I should always give to myself as well.
I am responsible for only one thing and one person in my life; ME! Although I have people in my life I know I can always rely and count on, they are NOT responsible for my life, they are not responsible for saving me, helping me all the time, answering all of life's questions for me, or making choices or decisions for me. That is all up to ME and solely me. It is selfish and rude to let others live your life, because their only job is to live theirs.
I have flaws and I make mistakes, but I am not perfect and I never will be. It is never about getting to a state of perfection, but rather a state in which your own beauty shines through naturally and effortlessly because of the person you are. I don't have to apologize for who I am, ever.
I know that it doesn't matter where you come from, what you believe in or what you don't, who you love, or what you choose to do with your life, just as long as you are GOOD, good things will and do happen.
Sometimes when you and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend are going through rough times, the best thing to do is to ALWAYS be THERE. Show up! Hear what they have to say. Take it all in. And give up ONLY if it is more damaging to be in the relationship then out of it. With the society we are surrounded by daily, celebrity couples breaking up every other day of the week, infidelity being advertised in the media, and books and magazines telling you how you "should" love, it is no surprise to me why so many people just fold in the towel and call it a night. No one fights for love anymore. No one seems to care. And in exploiting that consistently, it's no wonder why so many people don't know how to make a relationship work. I'm no expert. I don't have a perfect relationship. But I do have a real COMMITMENT with a man who is just as invested in who we are as a TEAM and who we are as individuals. An encourager and a truth speaker, who doesn't beat me down or is cruel, but someone who isn't afraid to be honest. Love is tricky sometimes and it is hard. But a relationship can only flourish so long as it is being nourished at the same time.
No one ever really has it all together or has it all for that matter. And I don't need to have it all, to know that what I have is ENOUGH.
Laughter cures many things, and so does a nice cold beer, a glass of wine, a bubble bath, and plain old sleep. Invest your time in the things that bring joy, instead of in the things that take your joy away (a constant reminder when I my anxiety gets in the way).
There really is good still left in the world. You just have to be awake to see it.
Sacrificing parts of your ego that just SUCK, benefits your heart and your mind, and others' as well. Sacrificing what you DON'T need for what is IMPORTANT, is always a good choice.
Remember things. One day you will look back and use those memories to remind yourself of your journey. However, LET GO of things that were NEVER important in the first place.
Practice kindness always, even if it's to that one customer who is always an asshole. Even assholes have parts of their hearts that are broken, which is most likely why they are an asshole to begin with. Give them a break too.
Forgive. Don't wait for that apology to do so either. Sometimes, it will never come and sometimes it will. Forgive regardless.
No matter what life throws my way, I always persevere. I never give up. I always keep fighting. Even when it feels as though I can't. Never give up on your life or yourself.
Life will always surprise you. You can't change it or control it. Learn to let those surprises better you instead.
It is NEVER fun to actually CONTROL everything anyway. It is too draining and way too exhausting.
Positive ENERGY attracts positive things. Negative energy attracts negative things. Which one is better and more rewarding?
Go with the flow. Live simply. Be comfortable with a calm life.
Forget your yesterdays and your tomorrows. Bask in the glory of ONLY your todays.
Say sorry when truly needed.
Enjoy life. Don't be too serious and don't be too naive. Just enjoy. You never know when you will no longer be able to do so.
Love. Love. Love. And then love some more. Cherish those in your life who make it better, who love you for WHO YOU ARE and not what they want you to be. Learn to understand the difference between someone wanting to change you to fit their needs and someone who only encourages you to be the best you possible, because they believe in you that much. And LOVE that person (the latter) the way they only deserve to be loved.
Breathe.
Get sleep.
Exercise.
Let go.
That is all. I had so many thoughts tonight and I feel relieved to have emptied them all out. After being sleep deprived for most of the month (I am not a morning person. I will never be cheery to go to work at 4am), I am still very much satisfied.
There is much too much to be joyful over than to not be at all. With this month coming to an end, November is peeking inside my heart already. Andrew celebrates his birthday in a few short days and then we head out to the deep heart of Texas. I CANNOT WAIT (can you tell?).
A special thank you to my guy for being the latter, the encouraging, the light at the end of the tunnel if you will. I am a better person every day because he loves me. And I am a better person every day because I get to love him.
To 14 days, Texas, and most importantly, my family. I can't wait to see them, hug them, kiss them, and just be around them.
November also brings me my new Resolution to focus on: Relationships. I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm happy!
I've seen so much in my 27 years. I've dealt with anxiety and fear since I was nine years old, and finally, 18 years later, I can feel those parts of me begin to slip away.
Slowly but surely, my life has taken on a different chapter, a different road to travel, and I couldn't be happier.
When I was a child, I can recall lying awake in bed waiting for my mom to come home from one of her rarely-ever-taken, girls night outs. I'd remember falling asleep, feeling peaceful, and then being awoken by my stepfather screaming for me to wake up. As my eyes would open wide, fear stricken to the core, all the words I ever heard coming out of his mouth were, "Your mother's not home yet, something is wrong. Something happened to her. Get up."
At nine, what else was I to think other than "God, my mother is dead. Someone hurt her. She got in a car accident." Thoughts and thoughts would consume my every being and I would panic, begin to cry, and then get really sick.
And then, as if she knew, she would walk right in the doors and be home, safe and sound, in all pieces. I would run to her and hug her, never wanting to let go of the warmth and safety I felt now that she was home. I'd cry and tell her that I thought something bad had happened to her and then she would give me a kiss, hug me tight, and tell me never to worry.
I wish I could have taken that in during that moment. I wish I could have held on to that and used it as I grew. But I never did and instead I used moments like that, moments that my mother never created but that were created by someone else, to instill fear and worry inside my soul for years and years to come.
I hated it. I hated feeling like I couldn't get too close to someone because what if something bad happened? What if they left me? What if it didn't work out? What if? What if? What if?
Nowadays, I still worry (ha! ha!). However, there is something over the course of the past six years that has changed me in ways I never even thought to imagine. Here is the truth about me now:
I will always be a worry-wort, sure, but I won't let worry rob me of the NOW and of the GOOD.
Let the good in ALWAYS.
I care too much, way too much sometimes, about the people I love and the littlest of things, but, it is BECAUSE I care too much, that I have the heart I have, and I'm very much content with my heart.
I love deeply, wholeheartedly, passionately, faithfully, and honestly, but, I also know that to love others I must ALWAYS love MYSELF first. The love I give to others, I should always give to myself as well.
I am responsible for only one thing and one person in my life; ME! Although I have people in my life I know I can always rely and count on, they are NOT responsible for my life, they are not responsible for saving me, helping me all the time, answering all of life's questions for me, or making choices or decisions for me. That is all up to ME and solely me. It is selfish and rude to let others live your life, because their only job is to live theirs.
I have flaws and I make mistakes, but I am not perfect and I never will be. It is never about getting to a state of perfection, but rather a state in which your own beauty shines through naturally and effortlessly because of the person you are. I don't have to apologize for who I am, ever.
I know that it doesn't matter where you come from, what you believe in or what you don't, who you love, or what you choose to do with your life, just as long as you are GOOD, good things will and do happen.
Sometimes when you and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend are going through rough times, the best thing to do is to ALWAYS be THERE. Show up! Hear what they have to say. Take it all in. And give up ONLY if it is more damaging to be in the relationship then out of it. With the society we are surrounded by daily, celebrity couples breaking up every other day of the week, infidelity being advertised in the media, and books and magazines telling you how you "should" love, it is no surprise to me why so many people just fold in the towel and call it a night. No one fights for love anymore. No one seems to care. And in exploiting that consistently, it's no wonder why so many people don't know how to make a relationship work. I'm no expert. I don't have a perfect relationship. But I do have a real COMMITMENT with a man who is just as invested in who we are as a TEAM and who we are as individuals. An encourager and a truth speaker, who doesn't beat me down or is cruel, but someone who isn't afraid to be honest. Love is tricky sometimes and it is hard. But a relationship can only flourish so long as it is being nourished at the same time.
No one ever really has it all together or has it all for that matter. And I don't need to have it all, to know that what I have is ENOUGH.
Laughter cures many things, and so does a nice cold beer, a glass of wine, a bubble bath, and plain old sleep. Invest your time in the things that bring joy, instead of in the things that take your joy away (a constant reminder when I my anxiety gets in the way).
There really is good still left in the world. You just have to be awake to see it.
Sacrificing parts of your ego that just SUCK, benefits your heart and your mind, and others' as well. Sacrificing what you DON'T need for what is IMPORTANT, is always a good choice.
Remember things. One day you will look back and use those memories to remind yourself of your journey. However, LET GO of things that were NEVER important in the first place.
Practice kindness always, even if it's to that one customer who is always an asshole. Even assholes have parts of their hearts that are broken, which is most likely why they are an asshole to begin with. Give them a break too.
Forgive. Don't wait for that apology to do so either. Sometimes, it will never come and sometimes it will. Forgive regardless.
No matter what life throws my way, I always persevere. I never give up. I always keep fighting. Even when it feels as though I can't. Never give up on your life or yourself.
Life will always surprise you. You can't change it or control it. Learn to let those surprises better you instead.
It is NEVER fun to actually CONTROL everything anyway. It is too draining and way too exhausting.
Positive ENERGY attracts positive things. Negative energy attracts negative things. Which one is better and more rewarding?
Go with the flow. Live simply. Be comfortable with a calm life.
Forget your yesterdays and your tomorrows. Bask in the glory of ONLY your todays.
Say sorry when truly needed.
Enjoy life. Don't be too serious and don't be too naive. Just enjoy. You never know when you will no longer be able to do so.
Love. Love. Love. And then love some more. Cherish those in your life who make it better, who love you for WHO YOU ARE and not what they want you to be. Learn to understand the difference between someone wanting to change you to fit their needs and someone who only encourages you to be the best you possible, because they believe in you that much. And LOVE that person (the latter) the way they only deserve to be loved.
Breathe.
Get sleep.
Exercise.
Let go.
That is all. I had so many thoughts tonight and I feel relieved to have emptied them all out. After being sleep deprived for most of the month (I am not a morning person. I will never be cheery to go to work at 4am), I am still very much satisfied.
There is much too much to be joyful over than to not be at all. With this month coming to an end, November is peeking inside my heart already. Andrew celebrates his birthday in a few short days and then we head out to the deep heart of Texas. I CANNOT WAIT (can you tell?).
A special thank you to my guy for being the latter, the encouraging, the light at the end of the tunnel if you will. I am a better person every day because he loves me. And I am a better person every day because I get to love him.
To 14 days, Texas, and most importantly, my family. I can't wait to see them, hug them, kiss them, and just be around them.
November also brings me my new Resolution to focus on: Relationships. I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm happy!
Comments
Post a Comment