Constant.
When I think of living, I think of them. Those who have stayed on this curvy road that I call my life. And those who have remained to be a constant presence in my life that make me live.
When I think of all that 2010 brought to my life...I think of everything that changed. Everything that happened, that affected me, that made me truly awake from this false reality that I was determined to live.
It's funny how things change so rapidly, never giving you a chance to truly take it all in for what it is. Time truly does by too fast. And life most definitely too short. In one year my life drastically changed. And in that one year, so did I. Everything that succumbed my being, flew out of me...far into the sky, never to return again. And here I am. Here I stand. In a constant state of acceptance and thankfulness.
When Randy, my cousin, died a month ago (has it really been that long now???) I was at a point where everything was slowly fading away. Insecurities and doubts and thousands of questions that I built up in my head...were leaving my side...still looking back for some kind of belonging. I was blocking them out of my circle, out of my life..and then tragedy struck.
I thought for the longest time that his death would make things worse for me. That more fear would arise from his loss and that I would surely not know how to ever get back to the true me. However, life happened all over again. In the wake of his death I stopped thinking. I stopped remembering. I stopped obsessing. And I hadn't even realized that I had done that. That I had allowed myself to breathe. Death is funny that way. Sometimes it does make things worse. And other times, in the midst of heartache and shock...it wakes you up.
I miss Randy everyday. And everyday my heart aches more for his loss. I don't talk about it or him...the pain is still too hard to feel. But in the quietness of a soothing bath, or when I lay awake in bed at night..I close my eyes and see him. And I remember growing up with an angel.
This new year I hope for much more happiness and a lot less stressfulness. With graduation coming up, a possible internship for a magazine, and work all in one...I hope that last part truly comes true. I have much to be thankful for. I have a happy life, a beautiful heart and the will power to live, everyday like it is my last. Family is perfect...my true reason for wanting to live. My guy is....there aren't enough words to describe him. We've been through a lot this past year and in the three year course of our relationship.. I think we can accomplish anything together. He is the true definition of finding your best friend, honesty, love...and he makes me stronger every day.
Constant love. Constant living. Constant acceptance. That's what I feel right now, and I hope for always. When you lose someone you love......they open up a special door so that you can finally be the person you were always intended to be. They give you a chance...to keep on living. They push you to believe in yourself, in who you are...and they let you know that you should always cherish the life you lead.
To my guardian angels....Randy, Grandma, Grandpa......may you always give me that push to keep on going, even when I want to give up. And may you always dance in Heaven, together, with love. I miss you always. I'll love you forever.
When I think of all that 2010 brought to my life...I think of everything that changed. Everything that happened, that affected me, that made me truly awake from this false reality that I was determined to live.
It's funny how things change so rapidly, never giving you a chance to truly take it all in for what it is. Time truly does by too fast. And life most definitely too short. In one year my life drastically changed. And in that one year, so did I. Everything that succumbed my being, flew out of me...far into the sky, never to return again. And here I am. Here I stand. In a constant state of acceptance and thankfulness.
When Randy, my cousin, died a month ago (has it really been that long now???) I was at a point where everything was slowly fading away. Insecurities and doubts and thousands of questions that I built up in my head...were leaving my side...still looking back for some kind of belonging. I was blocking them out of my circle, out of my life..and then tragedy struck.
I thought for the longest time that his death would make things worse for me. That more fear would arise from his loss and that I would surely not know how to ever get back to the true me. However, life happened all over again. In the wake of his death I stopped thinking. I stopped remembering. I stopped obsessing. And I hadn't even realized that I had done that. That I had allowed myself to breathe. Death is funny that way. Sometimes it does make things worse. And other times, in the midst of heartache and shock...it wakes you up.
I miss Randy everyday. And everyday my heart aches more for his loss. I don't talk about it or him...the pain is still too hard to feel. But in the quietness of a soothing bath, or when I lay awake in bed at night..I close my eyes and see him. And I remember growing up with an angel.
This new year I hope for much more happiness and a lot less stressfulness. With graduation coming up, a possible internship for a magazine, and work all in one...I hope that last part truly comes true. I have much to be thankful for. I have a happy life, a beautiful heart and the will power to live, everyday like it is my last. Family is perfect...my true reason for wanting to live. My guy is....there aren't enough words to describe him. We've been through a lot this past year and in the three year course of our relationship.. I think we can accomplish anything together. He is the true definition of finding your best friend, honesty, love...and he makes me stronger every day.
Constant love. Constant living. Constant acceptance. That's what I feel right now, and I hope for always. When you lose someone you love......they open up a special door so that you can finally be the person you were always intended to be. They give you a chance...to keep on living. They push you to believe in yourself, in who you are...and they let you know that you should always cherish the life you lead.
To my guardian angels....Randy, Grandma, Grandpa......may you always give me that push to keep on going, even when I want to give up. And may you always dance in Heaven, together, with love. I miss you always. I'll love you forever.
A possible intership for a magazine? How freaking cool! I'm so proud of you my friend. You have grown into this amazingly beautiful (inside and out) person that's so strong and graceful.
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