Shine On

"Love is taking a few steps backward (maybe even more)...to give way to the happiness of the person you love."

Tonight, as I type, I reveal the deepest depths of my soul.  The parts of my being that I no longer wish to carry around 24/7.  I am in love with the greatest man. And....I am insanely insecure.  The me who once emerged and never worried too much about what people thought or what people said, no longer exists.  Somewhere along the way, not entirely sure when, I lost myself.  I lost Kim and I could not find her, not even if my life depended on it.  And even now, I still am searching for that girl I once knew, the girl that really didn't think too  much or over-analyze too much about anything at all.  I have NEVER in my entire life, loved a person (besides my family), as much as I love my man.  He is strong and independent; brave and brutally honest; loyal and amazingly honest....and himself, most importantly.  And I guess I try too hard so many times, to be that perfect girl, when I know that perfection does not exist.  I don't know where I went or how I got lost, but I do know, that I am slowly but surely finding my way back.  You see.... love is crazy. Love is marvelous. And love is hard. There will always be great days and then there will be some days that are not too great.  And it's okay.  It's okay to feel insecure from time to time...BUT never all the time.  I don't want to be insecure anymore, because my insecurity leads to my fear of losing the most important thing I've ever found; true love.  I want to be a better person for me! I want to be able to put myself first sometimes and not always feel obligated to be a "we." I want to be an "I" with a "we" if that makes any sense.  My main point is this: when you find real love..... a love that speaks to you and makes you whole; never let it go.  And most importantly, never let yourself go just because you've found someone.  Because if there is anything that I have learned from loving this man, it is this: the best kind of love, is one in which you can be yourself and one that allows you to still be your own person.  I love my life and I love myself and as much as I love my guy, I know that I must always love myself first, in order to be truly happy.  And sometimes, even when we don't mean to, we lose who we are and it takes a real awakening to realize just how important it is to be your own person.  Andrew left for London yesterday and as I dropped him off at the airport, all I could think of was what he told me the night before: sometimes, when you love someone, you have to learn how to let them go a little, so that you can both breathe on your own. And that is so entirely true.  I no longer want to feel afraid for doing things on my own.  Instead I will rise above it all and conquer this insecurity bull crap that I've had enough of, for far too long.  So tonight...I say good-bye.  Good-bye to all the moments that have passed and all the insecurities that I was too afraid to let go of.  I shine on...and follow my own path....a path that leads me to the love I have in my life and the love I will renew within myself.