Choosing.

" I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." Carl Gustav Jung

I am 28 and life has never been better.  Last night, I was watching the Sex and the City movie and there was a scene in which Charlotte is talking to Carrie about why she is no longer running (she is pregnant in the movie).

• Carrie: "What makes you think something bad is gonna happen?"
• Charlotte: "Because! Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you, look at Miranda. You're good people and you two both got shafted. I'm so happy and...something bad is going to happen."

After Charlotte said that I felt it.  Though it's only a movie, sometimes in the middle of nowhere, something happens and you get it; you get what you've been trying to figure out.  That's how I had been feeling for the longest time, afraid that something bad was going to happen because I do have everything I want.  I am so damn happy.  I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop for as long as I can remember, because I have never in all my life, been as happy as I am now.  Of course it took a long time to "get it," but I know now, without a doubt, that I can be as happy as I am, without wondering if the other show will drop.    

Quite honestly, I've been incredibly happy for the past seven years, the moment I decided I could and so I did.  It's easy to say that life has been amazing, but the truth is, is that even before I figured it out, I've been in charge of my happiness all along.  Sure I made some poor choices and stupid mistakes, but if I have learned anything about living too much in my past, is that every chapter should always be closed.  Your past is not who you are and it sure as hell is not who I am; not anymore at least.

I leave the past and its memories, the good and bad, on the pages I wrote it on so long ago.  Sometimes I look back on those pages and when I do, I smile or laugh at how young I was, how little I knew about life and love.  But it doesn't hurt me anymore and that is what matters most.  I've CHOSEN to be happy everyday of my life, no matter what happens, and I've CHOSEN to be who I am now; someone different, someone older, someone amazing, someone braver, and someone who I like to think, is a little wiser as well.

I am not what has happened to me, no matter if I may think that on gloomy days.  I am and will always be, who I've chosen to become.  And that person is someone others may not recognize anymore or even understand, and I get that.  But nowadays I have come to the realization, that it doesn't really matter who gets me or not, as long as I do, then I'm good.

Luckily however, I am extremely fortunate to have the greatest people in my life, who not only get me, but accept me fully, for exactly who I am.  These people have been with me all my life and even though my guy hasn't literally been with me all my life, somehow in some way, I feel that he has. :)  I have the freedom to be exactly who I am, with full knowledge that the people I love so deeply, love me for who I am as well.

I've chosen to face my deepest fears, the ones of loss and failure, and have decided to leave all those crippling moments and thoughts behind.  Fear is just false evidence appearing real (so I learned from Pinterest) and I have learned that though I cannot control certain aspects of life, I can control how I react to certain things.  And fear will not stop me from living my life, from loving who I love, from making my dreams possible, from being who I am, and from being extraordinarily happy and full of joy!

I do not have a perfect life, but I have who I need and who I want in it, I have all I need and all I want in it, and for me, THAT IS ENOUGH!!  

And with that, I must go to bed now.  I am so wonderfully full of all things marvelous and good, loving and beautiful, peaceful and hilarious, and tranquil and uplifting.  I will fall asleep being peaceful with a calm life, because I am.